Note to self: Check, always check.

This morning I felt like sending a snippy superior message to someone advertising greeting cards. They’d made a card – aimed at gay boys and girls – with the text saying something like Recycle. Reuse. Repurpose. Rihanna.

Which is funny. Except all I could see was the ‘mistake’ in the spelling of her name.  Bloody hell, they can’t even get her name right, what is wrong with young people these days…  I’m ancient, you see, and haven’t listened to contemporary music since 1992. I have heard of Rihanna but if she knocked at my front door, I wouldn’t know who she was. I don’t know any of her songs.

Anyway, a small voice said Folks get creative with spelling nowadays; let’s just check if that’s not how she does spell her name … Glad I did. Had I not, this would be a snooty blog about people ruining good jokes by bad spelling. And I would have looked stupid.

 

 

 

 

 

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A Mother’s Advice to her Son about Women and Sex

Only have sex if you want to, not to make her like you. She might even tell you she loves you in order to get you to have sex with her. Don’t fall for it. Trust your gut. If you don’t want sex, just say no. 

Have sex if you want toNothing gives her the right to impose herself on you no matter how great a time you’ve had on a date. You don’t have to have sex to be nice or keep the peace, or because you’re drunk or you’re not sure whether you want to or not… 

Just because she’s paid for your dinner or the movie tickets, that doesn’t mean you’re obliged to fuck her. End of story.

If you don’t want to perform cunnilingus on her, don’t! If you feel you have to go down on her to make her like you, she’s definitely not worth it. And you don’t have to pretend to come to make her feel good! Sexual pleasure is a shared thing. Talk about what works for each of you. Have fun experimenting.

If she tries to talk you into sex without a condom, insist on your right to protect yourself. She may tell you she’s safe but if you’re not sure then don’t risk it.

If she shares intimate photos of you without your express permission, she has no respect for you. Report this and walk away.

Don’t let your heart rule your head – she might not want to see you again after sex. You can have a great time in bed without falling in love with each other.  But if you do, great!

If she  disrespects you in any way for having sex with her, forget her. She might tell all her friends that you two had sex to make herself look big yet still put you down for it. This is called slut shaming. Ignore it, hold your head up high and move on. You deserve better.

If you don’t know or trust her then make sure you watch her pour your drinks. Don’t go back to her place unless you’re confident of your safety. There might be other people there who mean you harm.

If you’re in a group of her friends and she puts you down or makes jokes at your expense or ignores you, she is disrespecting you.

If you don’t want to see her again, that’s it. If she keeps ringing you or turning up at your home or place of work or where you socialise, this is stalking and it’s illegal.

You’re beautiful the way you are. If she suggests you need to lose weight or is disparaging about your body in any way, that’s her problem. Walk away.

You don’t have to think she’s perfect or laugh at all her jokes. Enjoying each other’s company is a two-way street; one person doesn’t get to hold the floor while the other’s the audience. If she keeps interrupting you to explain things you already know, she doesn’t respect your views.

And if you have to pretend to be less intelligent than you are in order for her to like you, forget her. Find someone as smart as you.

Only get into a relationship with someone who is kind and who respects you. If she’s bad tempered, mean, rude or withholding, is this what you really want? Actions speak louder than words. You cannot love someone into being a better person. 

If she tries to control who else you see or who you’re friends with or how you spend your money, run, don’t walk! If she threatens you in any way, ditto.

You don’t need a woman to be with you to prove you’re lovable. You’re perfectly wonderful and worthy as you are, partnered or otherwise.

Now relax and enjoy yourself!

 

don’t thwart your creativity

Am thinking about how creativity is like a spring bulb.  Like the daffodils my son planted last year. He thought they’d died but there’s a vigorous bunch of strong green stalks out there standing proud in the light.  Your creativity  can be underground for so many years, yet give it just enough water and sunlight and it will bloom. I didn’t pay any mind to my creativity for decades, not to drawing and painting. I did other things but I didn’t allow my self to engage with the things that meant the most. I remember paying a visit to an English artist, Maggie (and I can’t remember her last name; if anyone knows her I’d love to get in touch), in her studio in the East End of London. She used to paint these lovely spring bouncy vegetables and naked men dancing; her images were joyful, colourful and full of her particular exuberance. I wanted to do that, too. I wanted to be like her. Did I go home and pick up a paintbrush? Not for over 20 years.  It was a cruel thing, not letting myself to draw or paint.  It makes me sad to remember that time. I was a wicked step-parent to myself. Horrible. Don’t you do it! You will be gnawed and eaten up from within, your pain will be like rats trying to chew their way out of you. Not being creative will curdle your dinners, stagnate your waters and shrivel your musculature. Literally, though. Not allowing yourself to express your soul can make you sick. It will make you sick, in one way or another.