A Mother’s Advice to her Son about Women and Sex

Only have sex if you want to, not to make her like you. She might even tell you she loves you in order to get you to have sex with her. Don’t fall for it. Trust your gut. If you don’t want sex, just say no. 

Have sex if you want toNothing gives her the right to impose herself on you no matter how great a time you’ve had on a date. You don’t have to have sex to be nice or keep the peace, or because you’re drunk or you’re not sure whether you want to or not… 

Just because she’s paid for your dinner or the movie tickets, that doesn’t mean you’re obliged to fuck her. End of story.

If you don’t want to perform cunnilingus on her, don’t! If you feel you have to go down on her to make her like you, she’s definitely not worth it. And you don’t have to pretend to come to make her feel good! Sexual pleasure is a shared thing. Talk about what works for each of you. Have fun experimenting.

If she tries to talk you into sex without a condom, insist on your right to protect yourself. She may tell you she’s safe but if you’re not sure then don’t risk it.

If she shares intimate photos of you without your express permission, she has no respect for you. Report this and walk away.

Don’t let your heart rule your head – she might not want to see you again after sex. You can have a great time in bed without falling in love with each other.  But if you do, great!

If she  disrespects you in any way for having sex with her, forget her. She might tell all her friends that you two had sex to make herself look big yet still put you down for it. This is called slut shaming. Ignore it, hold your head up high and move on. You deserve better.

If you don’t know or trust her then make sure you watch her pour your drinks. Don’t go back to her place unless you’re confident of your safety. There might be other people there who mean you harm.

If you’re in a group of her friends and she puts you down or makes jokes at your expense or ignores you, she is disrespecting you.

If you don’t want to see her again, that’s it. If she keeps ringing you or turning up at your home or place of work or where you socialise, this is stalking and it’s illegal.

You’re beautiful the way you are. If she suggests you need to lose weight or is disparaging about your body in any way, that’s her problem. Walk away.

You don’t have to think she’s perfect or laugh at all her jokes. Enjoying each other’s company is a two-way street; one person doesn’t get to hold the floor while the other’s the audience. If she keeps interrupting you to explain things you already know, she doesn’t respect your views.

And if you have to pretend to be less intelligent than you are in order for her to like you, forget her. Find someone as smart as you.

Only get into a relationship with someone who is kind and who respects you. If she’s bad tempered, mean, rude or withholding, is this what you really want? Actions speak louder than words. You cannot love someone into being a better person. 

If she tries to control who else you see or who you’re friends with or how you spend your money, run, don’t walk! If she threatens you in any way, ditto.

You don’t need a woman to be with you to prove you’re lovable. You’re perfectly wonderful and worthy as you are, partnered or otherwise.

Now relax and enjoy yourself!


busting out all over

Sometimes I feel fits of nostalgia for everything I’ve ever learnt or heard or seen or experienced, and everyone I’ve ever known. My sons are playing early Beatles, loudly, and I’m becoming emotional about all the stuff that my nearly 52 year old self is full of, all the songs, all the events, all the memories, all the little pieces of STUFF  – somehow everything feels significant and beautiful and I’m fit to burst because there is so much inside. Maybe it is because I’m about to have a birthday and this is what happens; one gets reflective despite oneself.

How can people keep it all in?

I am curious about cross-cultural and cross-generational relationships and how much must be missing until the parties involved have been together long enough to make their own shared culture. One of the (many) things I missed, when I was married to a man from another culture, was being able to share songs and their significance.  Music was so significant to us wot growed up in the 60s and 70s in a way that was quite different to previous generations.

Sometimes I feel emotional about the entire planet. All the lonely people … We know where they come from.  The young Paul McCartney had a sweet tone to his voice that perfectly expressed his more sentimental lyrics.

If you’ve got no-one to care about all the stuff inside you at least you can write about it and easily  get it into the world nowadays. That’s a good thing.

That intensity and sensitivity you feel when you’re 17, about the world, about life … You think, how could the oldies have become so comfortable and complacent and uncaring and unheeding? How can they let all this stuff happen?  It’s still there. I still feel it.